if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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