Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
