dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
