Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
