The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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