Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
