I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
