Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
