My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
