I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
FUCK WHALES
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
