My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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