I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
