Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
