So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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