I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
