there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
