Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
