i don't like sucking hair
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
