I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
