can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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