He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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