Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
