I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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