He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
