My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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