Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
