someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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