God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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