they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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