The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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