just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
