My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
