drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
