I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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