Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
