guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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