i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
