Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
