sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
