I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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