I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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