It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
