That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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