They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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