So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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