Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
