Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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