I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
