Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
