dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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